If You Say So
by allhailthehutch
Summary: Katniss and Peeta learn to come together and fight during one of their toughest battles.
1. Chapter 1

I wake up and notice that Peeta's side of the bed is empty. He always sleeps soundly through the night. I'm really surprised he's up at all. Peeta has been so tired lately. I can't remember the last time he ever slept so much.

I notice the bathroom light is on. A good ten minutes pass by and Peeta is still in the bathroom. I'm usually the one who spends all the time in there. The baby gives a swift kick and I suddenly need to pee. I slowly climb out of bed and knock on the door softly.

Peeta doesn't answer. I knock again. "Peeta, are you okay?"

Silence.

I reach for the handle and when I go to open the door it's locked.

Panic quickly begins to set in. "Peeta Mellark open the goddamn door right now!"

I gasp when the door flies open. Peeta stands in front of me with blood pouring out of his nose. His skin has been drained of all its color.

"I can't get it stop." The calmness of his voice surprises me. I grab some tissues and hold them up to his nose.

Seeing Peeta so pale brings me back to the moment he first spoke to me. I could never forget the deep shade of red that bloomed on his cheeks when he sat next to me. As I apply pressure to his nose, I can't help but relive that life-changing day.

_I sit in my seat expecting Madge to take her place by me. We have always been lab partners in science. When Peeta Mellark slowly approaches the stool next to me, I become confused. I know Peeta, but he's never said one word, never uttered a single sentence to me before.___

_Peeta is popular, friendly, and loved by everyone. I am the complete opposite. I hold my close friends dear and that's fine for me. I'm not sure why Peeta always ignores me, and I have no idea why he's sitting in Madge's seat. I scan around trying to find Madge and when I see her, she looks to me and shrugs.___

_What? Peeta Mellark is my lab partner?_

_I don't know how we'll work together if he can't say a word to me. I notice his cheeks are quite pink, actually deep red, as his eyes move from me to the seat he's about to sit upon. It almost looks like he's blushing, but why?___

_I find myself distracted by his eyes. They are the prettiest shade of blue I have ever seen. I smile, resigned that I have to make this partnership work if I'm going to get a decent grade. A boy with those blushing cheeks and bright blue eyes can't be all bad._

_"I'm afraid I'm going to be a terrible lab partner." He tells me with a soft chuckle. "Biology is not my best subject."_

_"Well, I hope you don't think I am going to do all the work." I inform him jokingly._

_Peeta gives me another smile which causes a small flutter to erupt in my stomach._

_I like how easy he is to talk to.  
_

Peeta gives my hand a tight squeeze as we listen to Dr. Aurelius explain the testing that  
Peeta will be required to go through. It all seems pretty standard at first, but when I hear words like "lumbar puncture," I realize this may be more serious than I originally thought.

"Mr. Mellark, we really just want to do this as a precaution." Dr. Aurelius is a kind man but his words do nothing to comfort me.

The baby is active today and I place my hand on my stomach to feel her movements. "How long does it usually take to get back the results?" I ask him. The sooner we know what is making him sick, the sooner we can deal with it.

"I promise we will do our best to give you some answers as soon as we can."

As we walk out of the office Peeta takes my hand and brings it up to his lips.

"Promise me that you won't worry about me Katniss." Peeta is beginning to look like a different person. He has lost about twenty pounds and his usually full face is sunken in. The dark circles can't lessen the beauty of those blue eyes.

I stand on my tip toes to kiss his lips. It still feels like the first time Peeta ever kissed me.

_Peeta and I have become extremely close over the past year. I enjoy the way that his presence puts me at ease. Sometimes Peeta will tickle my sides and I would pretend to be annoyed, but I like the way his hands make me tingle._

_I've never had feelings for someone before. Honestly, I'm not sure what I feel for Peeta.___

_All I know is that I'm happy when I'm with him.___

_I'm leaning against my locker waiting for Peeta to finish talking with the art teacher. Summer is finally here and I am planning on spending the majority of it with my sister Prim and, hopefully, Peeta._

_Peeta heads toward me with one of his classic, infectious smiles. The curls of his blonde hair are barely visible underneath his backward baseball cap._

_"How did it go?"_

_"Mr. Plutarch wants me to study on the weekends with him," Peeta tells me proudly. "Apparently, I have a real gift and shouldn't waste it."_

_I can't contain my excitement. Peeta is always drawing and painting. It is about damn time someone recognizes how talented he is. Without a thought, I jump into his arms and hug him as tightly as I can. I've hugged Peeta a million times, but this is different. He releases me from his arms but keeps a hold to my waist._

_I look up at him and my eyes travel to his lips.___

_This isn't the first time I've thought about Peeta kissing me. I usually brush it off and try to forget it, but the feeling seems to linger this time.___

_"Peeta," I whisper, "you can kiss me if you want."_

_He doesn't say anything but presses his lips up against mine. His touch ignites a spark deep in the pit of my stomach. I'm unsure of what to do next so I let Peeta take the lead. I open my mouth wider when I feel his tongue brush along the front of my teeth._

_I instinctively press my body into Peeta's muscular form. His hands grip tighter on my waist. I like the feeling of his tongue teasing mine. A soft moan escapes his lips.__  
Peeta pulls away first. I want to keep kissing him. The feeling of his lips on mine leave me hungry for more.___

I have craved those lips everyday since then and now I find myself needing them even more. I'm not sure what is going to happen next. The descriptions of the various tests Peeta is about to go through makes my stomach lurch.

We just need to take one day at a time.

***

Peeta shivers as the doctor applies iodine to the area of his back that will have the needle injected. I squeeze his hand tightly, making sure he knows that I will always be here for him.

"Are you comfortable Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius asks. How can he possibly be comfortable? Peeta is lying on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest. He's wearing a thin hospital gown that leaves his back completely exposed.

Peeta nods his head. "I just want to get this over with." In typical Peeta fashion he laughs. I admire his ability to try and stay positive.

"The numbing medication should be working now. I'll tell you when I'm going to insert the needle, alright? Try your best to stay still." Dr. Aurelius holds up the needle that he's about to insert in my husband's back. I make sure that my expression remains calm.

I need to be strong for Peeta like he has always been strong for me.

"Alright Peeta here we go."

Peeta's grip on my hand tightens when Dr. Aurelius inserts the needle. He's biting his lip so hard that I'm sure he is going to draw blood.

"Hey - do you remember when I took you hunting for the first time?" I ask him with a tearful smile. "You were so loud and scared away all the animals!"

Peeta gives me a weak smile. I hate seeing him like this. This vulnerability is so unfamiliar.

"I was thinking about baby names the other night and I really love the name Grace," I tell him in hopes of uplifting his mood and reminding him of what we have to look forward to.

I try to distract him any way I can, anything to take his mind off that needle in his back. I want him to think about happy, positive things. Peeta is so excited to be a father. It's something he has wanted since, well forever.

I rub my thumb in comforting circles over his hand. This pain he was going through is just temporary. I have to believe that there is a silver lining.

I hope that I'm being strong for him. Peeta protected me and comforted me so many times in the years we have been together. Seeing him in this vulnerable state brings me back to the first time Peeta and I were ever together. I was terrified but Peeta made me feel safe. It's my turn to make him feel secure.

_My legs won't stop trembling. I hate myself for being so afraid. Do I even have a reason to be? Peeta's usually bright eyes are a few shades darker. This is the next step. Peeta is always so patient and understanding, I want this to be good for him._

_"Katniss, if you aren't ready…" I grab him by the back of the neck and pull him in for a kiss, hoping that it will show him that I'm ready.___

_Before, the idea of being completely naked in front of Peeta terrified me. I thought that I would feel exposed and uncomfortable, but I don't feel that way at all. His hand is palming my breast, and I take in a deep breath when he gently pinches my nipple.___

_"You are so perfect Katniss." Peeta tells me before kissing my shoulder. The contact makes my entire body shiver with pleasure.___

_I can feel how wet I am, the evidence of my arousal dripping down my thighs. Peeta slowly inserts two fingers, preparing my body for him._

_"So wet…" Peeta licks his lips. I can't believe how badly I want him inside of me.___

_I take his face in my hands, making sure his eyes are locked with mine. "Peeta I want you to make love to me."_

_"Are you sure?" His voice cracks on the last word.___

_I lay back on the bed and spread my legs, often times actions speak louder than words.___

_Peeta reaches for his wallet and pulls out a condom. He rips open the foil packet with his teeth. I watch in fascination as he rolls the condom onto his swollen cock. Peeta is a lot larger than I had thought.___

_I really hope it doesn't hurt as bad as my friends told me.___

_Peeta positions himself between my legs, using his elbows to support his weight. I can feel him poking at my entrance. It's now or never.___

_"I love you, Katniss."___

_At that he's pushing himself inside of me. Peeta barely moves, waiting for my reaction. It stings a little bit, but it's nothing I can't handle.___

_"Is this okay?" He asks me while moving his hips slowly.___

_I nod. "Please keep going."___

_I can see that this is hard for him. Peeta wants to go faster but he's being gentle for me. The noises coming out of his mouth produce a dull ache in my lower region. Peeta's grunting and moaning. "Katniss, oh god - I'm gonna…"_

_Peeta shudders above me, his cock pulsing inside of me. After he catches his breath he slowly pulls out. He ties up the condom and throws it in the trash can.___

_I thought that I would feel different, but truthfully everything is the same. Peeta was gentle and understanding, which I never had any doubt that he wouldn't be. I'm feeling a little sore but it's nothing that I can't handle.___

_"I'm sorry...you just felt so amazing." His cheeks are flushed and tiny beads of sweat are forming on his forehead. "You didn't come…"_

_I could see by the look on his face that he is disappointed in himself.___

_"Oh, Peeta I don't care about that." I am telling him the truth. Peeta gives me more than just a physical pleasure. He makes me feel confident that I'm not alone in this world and that I have someone who loves me and wants me, no matter what.___

_Peeta's face relaxes and he gives me a sweet, shy smile. I grab his cheeks and pull his face close to mine. Our noses are touching and I rub mine on his, causing him to laugh. His lips are hypnotic, drawing me in. I kiss him softly, wanting to savor every moment with him.___

_"When I'm with you, Peeta, I feel protected and loved."___

_"I do love you, Katniss."___

_I curl up next to him and snuggle my head into his chest. "I love you more."_

_Peeta sighs loudly. He hates when I say that. "If you say so."___

"Okay, that should do it." Dr Aurelius' voice brings me out of my thoughts. I gain my bearings remembering where we are.

Peeta's sitting up now with a bandage on his back. The procedure is finished after a good half hour. He's given specific instructions to take it easy for the next couple of days.

"You're the one who needs to take it easy, Katniss." Peeta turns his head and looks up at me from the hospital wheelchair.

I playfully stick my tongue out at him. Peeta has fully embraced his role as protective husband and father to be. "I'm fine, okay."

He crosses his arms over his chest and frowns. "I love you, wife."

I stop the wheelchair and kiss his pale cheek. "I love you more, husband."

Peeta rolls his eyes at me. "If you say so."

***

I have been so caught up with trying to schedule Peeta's test that I completely forgot that I was due for my own doctor's visit. It's one of my monthly prenatal appointments and I need to leave soon.

Peeta has been having a bad day. He woke up early in the morning with another nose bleed. After what felt like hours, it finally stopped, but Peeta was exhausted.

I look at the clock hanging over the stove realizing that Peeta has been sleeping for the past six hours. He always attends my appointments with me, but I don't want to wake him since he's feeling terrible.

I figure I should at least ask him what he wants to do. I open the bedroom door quietly, hoping not to disturb him.

Peeta's shivering, and our sheets are drenched with his sweat. I place my hand on his forehead. He's burning up.

"Peeta, baby it's Katniss." He doesn't respond. I smooth away his hair from his soaked forehead.

His eyes slowly flutter open, immediately putting me at ease. "You are burning up - I'm going to call Dr -"

Peeta's eyes roll back into his head and his entire body stiffens. A few seconds later he body begins to jerk and spasm. I eventually realize he's having a seizure and try to remember what my mother told me. Using all the strength I have, I position Peeta so that he's turned, facing the side.

Tears run down my face as I watch Peeta completely lose control of his body. Blood slowly starts to seep out of his mouth, causing me to wonder if he bit his tongue.

The front of his pajama bottoms dampen. He just peed all over himself. "Peeta! Peeta, honey! Oh my God." I feel myself breathing faster. I'm becoming light-headed. What if I lose him now?

I slow my breathing. I can't lose control, not now, not when he needs me the most. _Remember Katniss_, I think to myself. _Remember what you've learned_.

"Peeta, shhh it's okay." I remember being told to not touch a person when they are having a seizure, but wait till it's stopped.

The seizure was probably only a minute, but felt like an eternity. I watch him carefully and notice how eventually the muscles in his body relax.

I grab my phone and dial 911. I should have probably called as soon as he started seizing, but I was too shocked to move. What is doing this to him?

"911 what's your emergency?" The voice on the other side calmly asks me.

"Yes - I need an ambulance, my husband -" I turn my attention back to Peeta, who has not yet opened his eyes. "I'm pretty sure he had a seizure..I also think he's got a fever."

"How long did the seizure last?" I know her questions are routine, but can't she just send the damn ambulance?

"A minute - maybe a minute and half?" I'm not sure. I have no fucking idea. It lasted too long, that's all I know. "He's never had one before but he just went in a few days ago to have a lumbar puncture done."

"They will be there shortly - just stay calm okay."

A sharp pain in my side nearly takes my breath away. I breathe out slowly. Maybe I should have been more careful when moving Peeta on his side. Worrying about Peeta's health is difficult enough, I'm not going to put my baby at risk.

When the paramedics arrive Peeta still hasn't woken up. They mention words like "postictal" and "grand mal seizure".

"Does Peeta have any drug allergies that you know of?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Currently on any medications?"

"No."

"Any history of cancer, meningitis, epilepsy?" I freeze at the word cancer. Does he have cancer? Is that why Dr. Aurelius ordered all those tests? What else could they possibly be looking for?

Instead of worrying about possibilities that haven't even been confirmed yet, I attempt to stay optimistic.

Peeta is sitting up in the hospital bed when I'm finally able to see him. The emergency room doctor explained to me, before I went in, that Peeta would be a little groggy and disoriented from the seizure.

Seeing him semi-alert made me feel better, but I need someone to give me answers. Why is it that my once perfectly healthy twenty six year old husband is all of sudden having nose bleeds, losing weight, and now having seizures?

I sit in the chair next to his bed, grabbing for his hand. "I was so scared Peeta!"

I promised myself that I would try not to cry, but my emotions have gotten the best of me.

"My head really hurts." His speech comes out funny. I realize that I was correct in assuming that he did bite his tongue. "Did they tell you Katniss that I bit off a small chunk of my tongue and apparently pissed myself."

I attempt to squeeze his hand, showing Peeta that I'm here for him, but he surprisingly yanks his hand away.

"I just wish someone would tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!" Peeta grabs at his curls, yanking them in frustration. "Jesus Christ, Katniss - I fucking had a seizure."

My pathetic attempts at staying strong come crashing down. "Peeta I'm trying really hard to be brave but I'm so scared." I make no efforts at wiping my tears away. "Seeing you that way - I can't get it out of my head. I was completely helpless and I fucking hated it!"

Peeta isn't given a chance to respond before Dr. Aurelius walks through the door. He's accompanied by a doctor that I'm not familiar with. I try to read his face, but he remains completely emotionless.

"How are you doing Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius ask, but Peeta doesn't respond. He just shrugs his shoulders. "This is Dr. Haymitch Abernathy, one of my colleagues."

Dr. Abernathy holds out his hand for me to shake. I offer, "Katniss Mellark..I'm Peeta's wife."

Dr. Abernathy doesn't look like your typical doctor. His white coat is wrinkled and his hair is long and disheveled looking.

"Are you going to tell us what caused Peeta's seizure?" I look Dr. Aurelius directly in the eyes. I plan to get the answers we so desperately need.

He opens up a beige colored folder and adjusts his glasses. "We ran a series of tests to make sure that the diagnosis we came to was accurate -"

"Mr. Mellark you have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia." Dr. Abernathy tells us abruptly.

My chest tightens. I'm barely able to catch my breath. Peeta says nothing. He just continues to listen.

"Basically your body is producing a large amount of immature white blood cells." Dr. Abernathy must have given this news before. It's amazing how easily he's able to explain what is happening inside Peeta's body.

"The cancer cells are preventing Peeta's body from producing healthy blood cells."

I shoot a glance over at Peeta. His expression unchanging since the doctors started speaking.

"This is a fast growing cancer but I think with the right treatment plan we can fight this." Dr. Aurelius tells me with his best attempt at confidence.

"What's the chance of recovery?" It's the first question Peeta asks them.

Dr. Abernathy sits on the edge of Peeta's bed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You have a good chance. I want to approach this aggressively. We'll start you on high doses of chemotherapy. After a month you'll repeat blood work. I want to see less white blood cells and barely any trace of leukemia. We then can say you're in remission, but it's not over yet. Maintenance therapy will continue after that."

"What happens if the cancer isn't completely gone after four weeks?" I ask, terribly afraid of what his answer might be.

"It lessens the chances of survival."

As I listen to Dr. Abernathy and Dr. Aurelius explain Peeta's cancer I'm reminded of how different our lives were a few months ago.

_"The box said we have to wait three minutes." I yell out to Peeta from our bathroom.___

_I finish peeing on the stick and then I place it on the countertop._

_Peeta pokes his head inside the bathroom, sporting a goofy grin. He's practically shaking with excitement._

_Am I ready to be a mom? Honestly, probably not but Peeta is ready to be a dad. He wants a baby more then anything in the world._

_I'm chewing on my thumb and waiting for the life changing test results to be ready.___

_"Peeta you tell me the results because I'm freaking out!" I cover my eyes with my hands. He's not saying anything. "Well, what's the news?"_

_I remove my hands and open my eyes, Peeta's holding the stick in his hand. "We're gonna have a baby Katniss!"_

_He's smiling. I can't believe it. I'm pregnant. I'm going to have Peeta's baby. I let out a surprised laugh before jumping into Peeta's arms, knocking him to the ground._

_"This is going to be one of my favorite days ever." Peeta tells me before kissing my cheek and then my stomach. "Everything's perfect."_

_He's right. It's perfect.  
_  
The touch of Peeta's hand brings me back to reality. Only a few months ago we were planning on what color to paint the baby's room. Now we have to plan on the different options that will keep Peeta alive long enough to see the birth of his first child.

"I'm not going to bullshit you, Peeta." Dr. Abernathy tells him. "You are in for a rough few months but I'm optimistic, and you should be too."

The baby gives a sharp kick to my ribs. It's like she knows what's going on with her daddy. I don't care what it takes, Peeta's going to be around to see her grow up.

***  
Staying positive is proving to be more difficult than I originally thought. Normally, Peeta is the one who keeps situations optimistic. I'm finding myself determined to make him believe that we can get through this.

We both are finding comfort in the support of family and friends. It's hard seeing people look at you with pity, but they all mean well. Anyone that has the pleasure of knowing Peeta loves him dearly.

Despite his illness, he devotes his attention to me and the baby. I love him for his caring heart, but his focus should be on himself. I need Peeta to survive this. The idea of raising this baby alone terrifies me.

I've been so distracted lately that I keep forgetting about my own doctor's appointments. Peeta will be furious if he finds out about that.

I'm barely able to drive to Peeta's first appointment for chemotherapy. I stupidly read up on the side effects of the treatment, along with all information about Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. It's terrifying to know what Peeta's going to go through.

Dr. Abernathy told us that the odds were in Peeta's favor. I've been holding on to that hope every single day.

"Finnick wants to come see you.." I begin to tell him.

"I don't want to see anyone, Katniss." Peeta answers back. His eyes tell me that I shouldn't even bother pressing the issue further. He's having a hard time in general, but I'm pretty sure he's embarrassed by what his deteriorating health is doing to his body.

I let out a sigh as I turn into the closest parking spot I can find near the entrance.

The nervous feeling in my stomach reminds me of how I felt the day Peeta and I got married.

_It was a different feeling of nerves, though. I was more anxious for my future with Peeta, and now I'm afraid I won't have a any sort of future at all.___

_My wedding dress is nothing short of perfection. It's simple but has tiny details that make it unique. Peeta's going to die when he sees me._

_Prim dabs at the wet spots under her eyes. She's been crying all morning. "I can't believe you are really getting married!"_

_Honestly, I never believed that marriage was the right fit for me, but Peeta changed my thoughts on that easily._

_I want to be his wife. It's thrilling to be able to tell people that Peeta will be my husband. He's damn near perfect in my eyes and I want everyone to know that I belong to him._

_Still, there's a constant feeling of butterflies in my stomach that I can't shake. I have no doubts about my future with Peeta, but it's still a nerve wracking feeling._

_Everything's changing and I hope that I'm ready for this new adventure.___

_"I need to see Peeta."___

_Prim looks at me with one eyebrow cocked. "Katniss, it's bad luck!" I roll my eyes which Prim doesn't appreciate it. "You aren't having second thoughts are you?"_

_"No!" It's shocking she would even suggest that. "It's just - please Prim, go get him."_

_She leaves without saying a word. I pace the room waiting for Peeta.___

_The door opens slowly. I don't let Peeta get all the way inside before I'm hugging him tightly._

_"Katniss, what's wrong?" Being in his arms reminds me that everything's going to be okay.___

_Growing up, I never felt that my parents supported one another. Peeta's love has opened my eyes to a whole new way of living. We support each other through every moment. Sometimes, words aren't even necessary. Knowing he's close by is good enough.___

_"I was just feeling nervous, but i'm okay now that you are here."___

_Peeta sighs loudly. "I thought you were changing your mind or something!"___

_"Peeta, there is nothing I want more in this world than to be your wife." I kiss his soft lips.___

_"I love you." He whispers.___

_"I love you more."___

_He laughs to himself before leaving the room. "If you say so."___

***  
Each morning I wake up and for one second I forget that Peeta has cancer, hoping it has all been a bad dream, until I hear the sounds. That awful retching wakes me up every day. I quickly throw off the covers and stand up at the side of our bed. A sharp pain shoots down my back and spreads to the front of my stomach.

"Oh shit!" Ignoring the pain, I open the door to the bathroom rushing to Peeta's aid. I grab a washcloth and wet it with cold water. I've found the coolness on his face and the back of his neck helps his nausea subside.

"It's okay Peeta." I rub slow circles on his back, hoping that it's bringing him some comfort.

The chemotherapy treatments haven't been so bad, it's the few hours afterward that are hell. Peeta suffers from the typical side effects. He can barely eat and when he does, it doesn't seem to matter. It all comes back up, or out, one way or the other. If it's not vomiting, then he suffers from diarrhea.

I can't take seeing Peeta so miserable. Sometimes, when I offer comforting words or check on him, he pushes me away. I know he wants to appear tough and doesn't want me to worry, but it hurts to be dismissed like that.

Another sharp pain shoots down my back. I suck in my breath. Peeta turns around, his eyes swimming with worry. "Katniss?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. "It's nothing." I'm lying to him. This doesn't feel like nothing. It feels like a huge cramp.

I turn away so he can't see my tears forming. "Let me go get you some crackers from downstairs."

Peeta grabs my arm. "Katniss, please just tell me the truth."

"Honey, I'm fine." I try to reassure him, but Peeta's smart, he knows me so well.

He wipes his face with his hands and slowly stands, turning to me. His eyes are swollen and red from the vomiting. He steadies himself as his palms grip my shoulders.

"I can tell something's wrong. You're hurting and hiding it from me." His glare is intense and frightening. I always feel safe with Peeta, but I'm concerned this illness is getting the better of him. "Tell me! I need to know if something's wrong!"

His sudden tremors reveal his instability. I gingerly remove his hands from me and guide him toward the bed. "Please stop getting yourself all worked up. Dr Abernathy told you -"

"Fuck Dr Abernathy!" He releases his hand from mine, whipping it away. "It's the baby isn't it? You're stressing out and it's affecting the baby?"

I place my hands on his chest, his heart beating so fast. "The baby is fine. I'm fine." I gaze up at him, trying to push aside any fear, remembering this is my husband that I love. "You're the one we need to focus on right now, Peeta. I need you. The baby needs you." I fight back, but the tears find their way out.

"You remember what he said didn't you?" Peeta asks me, his voice softer now. "This chemo could take away our chances of having another baby, Katniss."

Peeta places his hand on my rounded stomach. "This baby could be our only shot. Promise me you'll take care of yourself."

Nodding, I realize my tears keep streaming. I can't tell if I'm crying because of all the emotions I'm going through or from the intensifying pain in my back and stomach.

I assure him, "Everything is going to be fine."

The more times I say it, the less I really believe it.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

A familiar scent wakes me from my nap. It's been a while, but I would recognize that smell anywhere.

_Cheese buns._

I make my way to the kitchen, knowing what's waiting for me. Peeta's moving around the kitchen, slower than he used to be, but he's actually baking.

He turns around, smiling at me for the first time in weeks. He's still thin and the color in his cheeks hasn't completely returned, but I see my Peeta coming back to me.

"I smelled cheese buns and came running!" I tell him.

Peeta chuckles to himself, wiping the flour off his hands. "I feel good today."

I sit at the kitchen table, watching Peeta bake. There's not a trace of worry on his face. He's living in the moment.

"Finnick and Annie really want to come visit," I mention nervously. The last time I suggested visitors, Peeta didn't even want to entertain the idea. He hasn't wanted to be bothered since we got the diagnosis. It's been my responsibility to explain to others that Peeta's not well enough.

Today would be a good day for visitors.

"They can come over." Peeta tells me while placing a cheese bun in front of me. My mouth is watering. "Be careful it's hot."

I wait a few seconds before biting into the bread. When I finally start eating, the taste in my mouth is nothing like I had expected. It's bitter.

Peeta looks at me with an expectant smile. I'm barely able to swallow the piece I'm chewing now, how can I lie and say it's good?

Unfortunately, Peeta senses immediately that something is wrong. "What - they don't taste good?"

"It's not that-"

Peeta's fist slams on the kitchen table causing me to jump. "What did we talk about keeping things from me to avoid hurting my feelings?"

Before he gives me chance to respond, Peeta grabs the cheese buns and hurls them in the trash.

"You know this can happen. Memory loss is a common -"

He whips his head toward me, his glare sending a shock down my spine. "I don't want to hear another goddamn word about side effects of chemo." Peeta never yelled much before this. Now, he's a loose cannon, flying off the handle without notice.

"How can I forget something as simple as cheese buns?" He mutters to himself as he walks away, his shoulders slumped and his head hanging, appearing so dejected.

My own cheeks are wet with tears. "If it helps I could never remember that recipe..."

_It's the first time Peeta's asked me to come over to his house. Normally, we spend most of our time at my place. My mom's never home, so it gives Peeta and I time to be alone.___

_Peeta answers the door with a bright smile. He's wearing an apron with the words "Mellark Bakery" embroidered on the front.___

_"I hope you've come ready to work," Peeta says, handing me an extra apron.___

_"Only if I get to eat whatever it is we're making."_

_Peeta laughs as we make our way to the kitchen. He's neatly set up all the different ingredients.___

_"What are we gonna make?" I ask._

_"Cheese buns."___

_My stomach growls at the very mention of Peeta's famous cheese buns. "I don't think you can trust me in this kitchen Peeta."_

_"You need to learn self control!" He tells me jokingly._

_"I can't make any promises."_

_Watching Peeta, it's obvious that he loves baking, and he's also really good at it. He carefully explains each step, making sure not a single detail has been overlooked.___

_He wants me to participate along with him, so I need to pay close attention to the recipe. I try to remain focused, but knowing I'll soon be tasting delicious perfection distracts me.___

_"Okay, what do we now?" Peeta's smile is encouraging, but my mind draws a blank._

_Shit. It's something to do with flour. "Uh, you need to add the flour..."_

_"How much flour do we need?" Peeta asks me, trying to hide his smile. Clearly, I'm not as convincing as I think I am._

_I groan. "I forget."_

_Peeta shakes his head. "You are a horrible student!"_

_"I'm just really hungry and cheese buns sound amazing."_

_Peeta turns away from me. Is he really that upset? He opens the oven door and pulls out a dozen fresh cheese buns. "I made these before you got here."_

_I'm smiling so hard that my cheeks hurt. Peeta hands me one. "Be careful it's hot."_

_Excitedly, I take a bite. These have to be Peeta's best batch yet. I've never had anything more amazing in my entire life.___

_With my mouth still full, I tell him, "This tastes fucking amazing!"_

The slamming of cabinets and banging pots brings me back to the real world. Peeta storms out of the kitchen leaving me to clean up his mess.

I'm furious at his behavior, which makes me feel horribly guilty. How can I be mad at my husband who has fucking cancer?

It's incredibly frustrating trying to make him happy. I understand that he's disappointed in himself, but it's just a stupid cheese bun.

As I'm crouching down to pick up the pans he threw on the floor, a tightening in my stomach hurts so bad that I can barely catch my breath. I've been having cramps and back pain off and on for weeks, but this is different. It hurts much worse.

Another shooting pain rips through my middle.

Gripping the chair for support, I debate calling Annie. Peeta can't find out what's going on.

"Katniss, I'm really -" My eyes flash open at the sound of his voice. "What's wrong? Katniss, are you okay?"

"Honey, I'm fine please -" A wave of nausea churns my stomach.

I see Peeta grab my keys. "You need to go to the hospital."

"No." I'm not doing this. I don't need the hospital. No more hospitals. I'm fine. "Besides, you have chemo tomorrow. You need to rest.

"Do you love me, Katniss?"

His question hurts almost as much as the pain in my stomach. "What - of course I do! How can you even ask me that?"

"I could die." He tells me, his voice soft and steady. I shake my head, hoping he won't continue. "Our daughter is part of you and part of me. If I die, she's all you have that's me."

I refuse to believe that Peeta's not going to get better. "We can't afford to think like that Peeta!"

"It's reality." Peeta uses his thumb to wipe away my tears. I've missed the feeling of his comforting hands. "Please, let's go to the hospital and make sure this baby is okay."

Peeta's right. There is a chance that he's not going to survive. If something happens to this baby I will never forgive myself.

"Okay let's go." I tell him tearfully.

****

My obstetrician told me to come right to the hospital if I have any concerns about the baby. I'm dreading this visit. I'm so sick of hospitals. Peeta's hand rests on my back as we make our way to the Labor &amp; Delivery floor.

I immediately notice the difference between being here and being on the cancer floor. It's brighter here. There's no feeling of dread lingering in the air. I look up at Peeta, he's not doing well, and I know he's trying to hide it.

"Can I help you dear?" The nurse at the front desk asks me. She's an elderly woman with grey hair and the kindest eyes. I glance at her badge and see her name is Mags.

I breath out slowly. "I've been having these pretty severe cramps for the past couple of weeks."

Peeta turns me to face him. "Katniss, are you serious?" His eyes widen in astonishment.

"I didn't want to worry you for no reason!"

He goes to object but Nurse Mags begins to ask me questions. "Alright Katniss, have you felt the baby move today?" I nod. "Any bleeding or leaking fluid?"

"No, nothing like that." I tell her. "It's just been this pain."

Mags nods. "How often are you feeling the pain?"

"It happens randomly."

Peeta hasn't spoken since I told the nurse about my pain. He's angry - furious actually.

"I'm going to have Johanna get you settled in a room and then she'll monitor you and the baby - try and figure out what's going on."

As soon as the nurses leave me and Peeta alone, I start crying. How can I be so stupid? I was trying so hard to not complicate things, but I may have done serious damage.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry."

He lifts his head from his hands slowly. I can see in his eyes that he's beyond exhausted. We both are. "I'm so mad at you right now."

I sniffle. "You've been so sick and I couldn't have you worrying about me!" I say in hopes that my reasoning makes sense.

Peeta shakes his head. "You are a real piece of work, Katniss."

The thumping of the babies heart beat keeps me distracted. Peeta's not speaking, his attention stays focused on the monitor showing the baby's heart beat.

The nurse comes in frequently to check on me. Eventually, my doctor comes in to see how I'm doing. Dr. Trinket smiles brightly at me and Peeta. Normally, this would annoy me but she's always like this. I don't understand people who always find a way to be happy. It's like nothing in the world bothers them.

"Katniss, you know we might have been able to avoid this if you didn't miss your last few appointments."

I outwardly cringe. Peeta's expression is unreadable. I'm expecting anger but instead I get nothing.

"I've just been dealing with a lot." I don't look at Peeta when I say this.

Dr. Trinket stares at Peeta with a curious expression. The last time she saw him he wasn't sick. His possible death, or illness for that matter, was far from our reality at that time.

"What's going on?" She asks both me and Peeta.

"We just found out I have Leukemia." Surprisingly, Peeta answers before I get a chance. "Katniss has been taking care of me and I guess neglecting herself in the process."

Dr. Trinket places a comforting hand on Peeta's shoulder. "I'm so very sorry for what you two are going through - I can't possibly begin to imagine, but before you two start to worry, let's see what's going on."

She closely examines the information from the monitor, not saying a word. "Well, the baby looks good. She's not in any distress, but you seem to be having contractions about every 7 minutes."

Hearing the baby is fine comforts me, but discovering that the pain I've been feeling is due to contractions scares me.

"What happens next?" Peeta asks worriedly and reaches for my hand, gripping it tightly.

"I want to keep Katniss overnight to monitor her. If the contractions continue we can give her something to stop them."

I rest my hand on my stomach. The guilt of putting my child's life at risk hurts so bad I can barely breathe.

"Everything will be fine. I just need you to try to avoid stressing yourself out too much. Promise me you'll do that?" Dr. Trinket gives me a stern look, but behind it I see that she's worried, not for me or the baby, but for Peeta.

"I promise." I tell her with a weak smile.

Peeta stands the minute the doctor leaves. "I need a minute. I'll be back." He walks out of my room without giving me a chance to reply.

***

After a long miserable night, Dr. Trinket finally lets me go home. It's nearly impossible to sleep in the hospital. I want to get into my own bed and curl up next to Peeta to take a nice long nap.

Peeta was quiet the entire night. I didn't even bother trying to defend myself because he had a right to be disappointed in me.

He's been in chemotherapy all morning. He finishes in time to take me home, but he barely looks at me when I greet him. We walk to our car, but he refuses to acknowledge that I'm there.

I try to stay calm, but Peeta shutting me out doesn't help. I stare out the window during the quiet ride home as Peeta remains looking forward. I sense that he occasionally glances to the side at me, but I pretend I don't see him.

As we pull in the driveway and he opens the car door to get out I decide I've had enough. I muster up the courage to crack his shell. He needs to let me in.

"I love you, Peeta."

Sure, I could easily pick a fight and try to rile him up, but it's not worth it.

He's still quiet, but I can see a tiny smile forming on his lips.

"I said I love you, Peeta." I'm grinning now. He's not going to leave this car till I know that we are going to be okay.

"I love you more." His voice makes my heart skip a beat.

Hearing those words brings me back to a simpler time, back when Peeta was healthy, happy, and completely in love.

_His lips taste like the chocolate milkshake we just shared. I can feel his erection pressing against my thigh. Peeta's tongue swirls around my mouth, causing that ache between my legs to increase.___

_Kissing Peeta is my favorite part of the day. I love running my fingers through the curls on the nape of his neck. Peeta groans when I grind my hips into his bulge.___

_"God, I love you so much." He whispers to me in a breathy moan. My heart nearly stops. That's the first time he's ever said that to me.___

_Peeta realizes what he's said as his cheeks turn a bright red. "Shit, Katniss - I didn't want it to come out that way..."_

_I'm grinning like a fool. Hearing him say it feels so good.___

_"I love you more." I tell him with a wink.___

_Peeta kisses me everywhere. Each spot tingling when he's finished.___

_"If you say so, Katniss."  
_  
The feeling of his lips surprise me. It's been awhile since we've had any real intimate contact. Peeta rests his forehead against mine, his blue eyes still so hypnotizing after all these years.

"If this is going to work you can't keep trying to protect me." He still looks so sickly, but I can see the fight in his eyes.

"If you say so," I answer with a smirk.

***

Peeta and I slowly fall into a routine. At first, the idea of chemo, pills, and endless doctor's appointments terrified me. Now it's a daily part of life.

Every day is a waiting game for us. There are some mornings Peeta wakes up feeling good. He's optimistic and hopeful about the future, which I believe he should be. When he wakes up sick it's a whole different story. He cries for the pain to end and I'm left helpless.

He only has one more week of chemo before we go back and see if the majority of the leukemia is gone.

The baby is also due in a few weeks. I have been keeping my promise to both Peeta and Dr. Trinkett, remembering to take care of myself.

I walk out of the bathroom and Peeta's relaxing on our bed. He's gained some of his weight back.

I miss being with my husband. He's been distant when it comes to anything regarding sex. Even though I do miss feeling him touching me, moving inside of me, I mostly miss the closeness.

I slowly walk over to the bed, which causes Peeta to smile.

"Why are you smiling like that?" I ask him as I snuggle in close.

He shrugs. "You're just cute, that's all."

"Oh, you mean my penguin waddle?"

Peeta kisses my forehead and then my large, rounded stomach. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything." I'm worried something is wrong, but my face doesn't show it. I've been learning to hide my fears when it comes to anything related to Peeta.

I can see his eyes trail the length of my body. He licks his lips as he pushes my hair aside, exposing my neck.

"I really want to fuck you right now." He pulls me into his lap, placing wet, hot kisses on my neck.

"Peeta, please touch me." I'm instantly wet. The anticipation of Peeta's hands on my bare skin makes me delirious with pleasure. His finger rubs my folds before inserting two fingers.

"I've missed this so much." I tell him. It's silly, but I have tears in my eyes. Thankfully, Peeta doesn't notice. I've wanted to feel him so badly. My hope that he's going to pull through strengthens with every thrust of his fingers.

Wanting to touch him, I slip my hand in his underwear and grab hold of his cock. Surprisingly, he's not hard. I say nothing but continue to move my hand up and down.

Still nothing.

I feel Peeta's fingers slip out of me. "Just say it Katniss. I know you want to."

"Peeta, it's not a big deal." The minute the words leave my mouth I know I've messed up.

"I can't even fuck my wife. It is a big deal!" He pushes himself up, now sitting in bed, angry but pouting. Seeing him like this is something I'll never fully get used too.

"I don't care about that." I'm not lying to him. Peeta's life matters more than anything. The side effects of his medicine create problems, but it's giving him time.

"Jesus Christ, I'm surprised you even want me. Why would anyone want to fuck a guy that will shit himself if he doesn't stay close to the bathroom?"

Even though his yelling frustrates me, I realize that Peeta needs this. He's sick of feeling emasculated.

"You've seen me piss myself -"

"Peeta you had a seizure!" I tell him through my tears. How can he think I even care about that?

"I'm sick of feeling like I can't be the man you need. I should be able to make love to my wife."

Then he's sobbing in my arms. Peeta's entire body shakes as he lets out all the pain he's been holding in.

"Why did this happen to me?" His voice sounds like a lost child and it's breaking my heart. "It's not fair. It's not fucking fair!"

Peeta's right. It's not fair, but when has life ever played by the rules. "I'm gonna die Katniss - I know it."

I shake my head. He can't do this. I won't let anything take him from me. "Peeta you don't -"

"When's she's older, tell our little girl that I'm sorry I couldn't be here to protect her. Make sure when she gets married that Finnick walks her down the aisle. Tell her that I loved her since you told me that I was going to be a father."

"No!" He's giving up and I hate him for it. "Listen to me. You aren't going anywhere. This isn't the end, Peeta. I know it."

I take a deep breath before continuing. "This little girl will know you. I refuse to accept that you won't be around to see her grow up."

As I look into my husband's eyes, I see that boy I fell in love with years ago. He always lived his life with such hope for the future. Peeta used to tell me about his dreams for us.

He never believed they weren't possible.

Now the idea of a dream brings him nothing but pain. All the plans we made for our life changed the moment we were told he was sick. In this moment I finally begin to realize what a life would be like without Peeta.

It has to be fate or something that gave me this baby, because if I was alone and Peeta died, there would be nothing left in this world for me.

I have someone to live for. This tiny person growing inside of me. The idea that Peeta could die makes me want to stop breathing, but I can't. I have to be strong for my daughter.

Peeta cries till he's so exhausted he falls asleep in my arms.

I softly hum our wedding song as my own eyes start to close, remembering the day I became Katniss Mellark.

_"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life." Peeta whispers in my ear as we slowly sway back and forth to our wedding song. "I'm so lucky that you love me."___

_Peeta always says things like that, which often times leave me speechless. There is never any way I couldn't love Peeta.___

_He's the light in a dark room. He's sunshine after a long, cold winter. Peeta's that soft voice that you need to hear after someone breaks your heart.___

_Peeta's my forever.___

_"Sing the song for me, Katniss." I rarely sing for anyone, but Peeta's special and I want to see him smile.___

_"So take my hand, and take my whole life too." He wipes away my tears. "Cause I can't help falling in love with you."  
_

We are sitting in Dr. Abernathy's office waiting to hear the results of Peeta's tests. I notice that Peeta's knee won't stop shaking so I place my hand there to try and keep it still.

Peeta turns to face me. He's scared and so am I, but whatever happens we will get through it together.

The door opens and Dr. Abernathy enters looking the same as he always does.

"Well, we got all the results back and it looks like the chemo didn't work the way we wanted it too." As I listen to him continue, I don't even feel like I'm in my own body anymore.

The chemo was supposed to work. We were expecting better news.

"Your white blood cell count is higher than I want and the leukemia is still in your system. It hasn't spread, which is good, but I wanted it almost completely gone."

"How long do I have?"

Dr. Abernathy gives Peeta a questioning look. "Peeta, I didn't say anything about dying. We need to try a different approach."

Peeta sighs loudly, growing more frustrated by the minute. "What's the point? It will fail just like the chemo."

"Enough of this bullshit, Peeta." I'm surprised at how the doctor addresses him. "We've talked about this. Nothing in life is a guarantee, but you can't give up. Not now. You have a baby on the way. Your life isn't over."

Peeta says nothing.

"I'm not giving up on you." I've never seen this side of Dr. Abernathy before. Anyone can see that he cares for Peeta. He wants to see him make it through. "You are strong enough to fight this, but you need to remind yourself what you're fighting for."

****

"Alright Katniss you're almost there," my labor nurse, Delly, coaches me. I'm exhausted, but I can do this. If not for me, then for Peeta.

This baby is everything to us and Peeta needs to see that life is worth living. He wants to give up. The thought of more months of treatment is devastating, but we will soon get to wake up every morning and see the face of our baby girl.

"I can't do it." I tell Peeta through my sobs. He grabs the back of my head and presses his forehead to mine.

"You're a fighter Katniss. You made it this far. She's almost here." Peeta's encouraging words give me added strength.

"Katniss, I need you to focus for me. When you start pushing you need to give it everything you got." I can hear Delly talking, but I can't keep my attention on anything but Peeta.

He told me I was crazy and maybe I am, but I decided to this naturally. If I can get through this, then maybe Peeta will see that he's strong too.

"Are we ready to have this baby Katniss?" Dr. Trinket asks me in her cheeriest voice.

I look at Delly who is standing on my right as Peeta is on my left. Her positive words help make this experience a little bit easier.

"He holds her first you hear me?" I tell her through clench teeth. "Promise me, Delly."

"I know, Katniss. We've got it taken care of." She rubs my shoulder as the doctor gets positioned. "Okay, Peeta. Now's a good time to take off your shirt. I have the warm blanket on the chair for you when the baby comes."

Peeta removes his shirt without a second thought. He's been self-conscious about the bruises and how thin he's gotten, but that doesn't matter anymore.

I take a deep breath, locking my eyes with Peeta's. I pray my baby has his blue eyes that I can stare into for hours.

"Alright Katniss, the head is crowning. I need you to push really hard for me," Dr. Trinket says.

Peeta holds my hand and Delly stands to my side, helping me keep my position. I push so hard. I've never felt pain like this in my life.

I flop back on the bed. "Peeta I can't do it. I'm not strong enough." My eyes drift off him, but I try to refocus. He's the reason I'm here.

"Look at me Katniss." His voice is all I need to hear. It's the calm in the middle of a terrible storm. "I'm not giving up. You can't quit because I won't let you. Just like you won't let me. Have this baby and I promise you that I'm gonna beat this cancer and live every day of the rest of my life by your side. You can do this and I'm going to help you."

I'm nodding through my sobs. The overwhelming urge to push this baby out consumes me.  
I take in one more deep breath and give them one more push. A blood curdling scream leaves my body as I faintly hear something about the baby's head being out.

Then I hear her cry. Dr. Trinket places her on my stomach as Delly quickly cleans and dries her.

"Peeta, are you ready to cut the cord?" Dr. Trinket motions over and hands him the scissors. He shakes nervously and stares intently to correctly perform his task. Delly points to the area for him to cut, and he does it. The beaming smile on his face when he looks up at me is priceless. Delly takes the scissors from him and congratulates us both.

I watch as Delly hands our daughter to Peeta. I read in my pregnancy books that skin to skin contact is best for baby, but it's so important for me to have Peeta hold her first. He brings her onto his bare chest and wraps the warm blanket around them both. She rests her head against him. I'm sure she's hearing his heart thumping inside.

Tears stream down Peeta's face and he looks to me. "We did it, Katniss. YOU did it!"

His tears are contagious as drops run down my cheeks as well. "WE did it, Peeta. You were right the first time. Look at her, she's so small, and all that dark hair. Just tell me she has your eyes."

He peers down and lifts her face to his. I note a twinkle catch in his eyes as he stares at her. He nods. "Well, if they don't change much, it looks like she may have gotten my blue eyes."

That's all I needed to hear. She has his eyes. "Peeta, come here." He carefully stands as he clings onto our little girl, shuffling over to me slowly so as not to drop her.

As I touch her face and her little baby ear, Peeta whispers, "Katniss, I don't care about the side effects. I'm going to fight this. I'll take whatever treatment Dr. Abernathy recommends. I'm not leaving you two."

In this moment, I know Peeta's found his reason to keep on fighting. She will always be our baby.

"I love you so much, Katniss." Peeta's speaking to me but his focus stays on the baby in his arms.

"I love you more." I lay back down on the pillow, closing my eyes for just a second.

He's going to make it. I don't know what tomorrow brings or how hard this fight will be, but Peeta's not going anywhere.

Peeta has fallen in love and he's not going to miss a single moment of this child's life. Now that he's held our beautiful baby close to his heart, I know he can't let go.

I hear him laugh softly. "If you say so."

**Three Years Later  
**  
"Where we be go mommy?" Gracie asks me, her bright blue eyes full of questions.

I pick her up and let her rest on my hip. "We have to go visit daddy!"

Gracie smiles widely and claps her tiny hands in excitement. "I misses him!"

"Me too baby."

The fall air is cool as we walk the few blocks to our destination. "What sounds good for lunch little one?"

"Cheese bun!"

I laugh loudly as I push open the door to the bakery. How typical of my child. As soon as Gracie sees him she wiggles out of my arms and runs to him.

"Daddddyyyy!"

Peeta turns around with a smile and scoops Gracie up in his arms. "How are you today, angel?"

"Mommy says I get cheese bun cuz I was good and used the potty!" She tells him proudly.

Peeta places a kiss on her forehead. "Well that does deserve a cheese bun, I must say."

I lean back against the counter and watch Peeta with Gracie. It's hard to believe that three years ago I wasn't sure if Peeta would even get to know her. There were so many uncertainties, but we took them head on. Raising a newborn with a sick husband took all the strength I had, but we made it.

Peeta went into remission after completing another round of chemo. Every year, we nervously wait to hear the results of his tests, anticipating those fateful words, but the cancer hasn't come back.

There is always a possibility that he could get sick again, but I think Peeta's fight is done.

Gracie happily enjoys her cheese bun as Peeta wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close. I run my hand under his shirt, across his bare stomach, feeling his muscles tighten at my touch.

Peeta slides his hand down to grab my ass. He wiggles both eyebrows at me. I can feel his erection pressing up against me.

"Are you planning on putting that bun in my oven tonight?" I ask him jokingly.

Peeta rolls his eyes. "I find that phrase offensive to bakers everywhere, but yes, that is the plan."

I stand on my tip toes to kiss him when I feel a tugging on my shirt. "Mommy I has to go potty!"

Peeta turns away to hide his frustrated groan, adjusting himself as I distract Gracie.

"Alright come on." She pulls me by my arm. I turn around and smile at Peeta.

"Hey Peeta, don't work too hard because I'm going to need help with the oven later." 


End file.
